Will God Like my Desires?
"Desire...is a category belonging primarily to God, and only secondarily to humans as a token of their createdness ‘in the image’" - Sarah Coakley, Anglican priest
Mike and I are dreaming again about having more children. It's a terrifying place to be. I find myself thinking frequently, God, am I really over here trying to trust you with my desires...again? Yes, yes I think I am. It's terrifying to think about trusting Jesus with a desire this precious, when that precious desire was ripped away from us before. It's terrifying to trust Jesus with a desire this precious knowing there is a possibility that it will be ripped away...again.
Yesterday Jesus was reminding me that my desires do not originate with me. The reason we have desire in the first place is because we are made in the image of God who desires. Sometimes I give myself too much credit, like somehow I thought up this proposal for my life and I am waiting outside of God's office as he decides if he likes my ideas...or if he likes me. But the story changes completely if I believe Jesus has been inspiring our desires all along. If God gave Mike and me the desire for a family in the first place, then it is not God's shame or approval that we wait upon. Instead, we get to move alongside the God who desires -- the God who hopes alongside us, grieves alongside us, imagines alongside us, and creates alongside us.
There is always a possibility that our plans will not unfold as we hoped. But God is not positioned with his finger in our faces, ready to prove to us that our desires are impractical and outside of his will. He is with us, rooting for us, feeling the feelings right alongside us. He feels them to a much greater degree...because it was him who came up with desire in the first place.
*If you're interested in reading more about how to interact with God about desires, read chapter 5 of my book "Eight Attentive Questions."