Unforced Affection

Why would I be confident you're taking care of her in heaven, when you didn't take care of her here? I need your affection, but I can't receive it because I don't trust you right now. I wrote these words to Jesus in my journal last night, in a moment of raw lament.

And then I waited. I wondered why Jesus wouldn't look at me. Why he wouldn't say anything back. I tried to envision him giving me a hug but I cringed at the thought of it. I didn't want him to touch me or to talk to me. And yet I wanted him.

I started to describe my feelings to Mike and he said my feelings reminded him of this YouTube video: Rocky Kanaka "Mini German Shepherd abandoned at Home Depot." Rocky Kanaka's goal is to help this abandoned, traumatized and fearful dog to experience affection. But he doesn't force his affection. He doesn't make eye contact and resists the urge to touch her or pick her up. Instead he eases the dog into it. He just sits there for a while with her. Then he gives her a treat. Then he gives her a name and tells her she is good. After a long while the dog is ready to be touched and eventually picked up.

I think that's how Jesus and I are right now. He's there. Right next to me. Very intentionally focused on having me experience his affection. And yet fully aware of my trauma, confusion, and need for space. I'm grateful Jesus doesn't force me to receive his affection. He's going at my pace.