Teach me how to live
Someone recently asked me what I have learned about prayer in the months since losing my daughter to cancer. I keep thinking about the disciples in John, chapter 9. Their primary question for Jesus regarding the suffering they see is, why did this happen? They want to know who to blame and how to make sense of what makes no sense. Jesus never answers their question. Instead, he redirects them to think about how they will respond to suffering, "As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me."
A lot of my prayers are filled with the why question. I want to know who to blame and what in the world God was thinking when he didn't save my daughter. Those same why questions swirl in my head as my childhood neighborhood has been in flames this past week and so many friends have lost their homes. But along with that question of why, a new question has surfaced frequently in my prayer life: Jesus, how do I live?
It's not an abstract how question. It's a very practical how. How do I live in the wake of trauma? How do I access hope and curiosity when fear and anxiety are so loud? How do I listen to other people's pain while making sure my own pain doesn't get buried? How do I interact with my friends? How do I love and trust again with a broken heart?
So in response to my friend's question about my prayer life, I would say that I experience Jesus's comforting and frustrating silence as my brain still searches for the why. He's gracious to let me ask it as often as I want. I also experience Jesus teaching me how to live -- like I'm learning to breathe and walk again for the first time. He's coaching me through it. And he's really good at it.
"The Lord is my Shepherd...." - Psalm 23:1