Surprised to Be Loved
"Nobody knows, darling. Nobody knows how (much) they are loved." - The Innocence Mission*
The Abuelitas (Grandmas) in my apartment complex have been showing up with surprise gifts for us this week. One of our neighbors, Carmelita, gave us a beautiful dress for our baby that her husband intentionally looked for while in Mexico. Another neighbor, Trini, crocheted this diaper holder in the shape of a dress:
As we reflected on this kindness, Mike said, "we are rich in neighbors." I agree. They make us feel so loved.
In a year after tragic loss, gestures of love like this still surprise me. I've trained myself to be ready for more loss, to be on the lookout for what bad thing will happen next. And then someone shows up at my door to remind me that I'm loved. Each time that happens, something gets re-wired in my brain.
The Psalmist identifies with this feeling, saying, "He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!" (Psalm 18:19).
I've been surprised by this love many times this month. I had a chance to attend a writing workshop with InterVarsity Press in Chicago a couple weeks ago. I was worried about traveling while so pregnant, and nervous because IVP rejected my first book proposal several years ago. But when I was there, I felt more alive than I've felt in a long time. I loved getting space to write, to collaborate with other writers, and to get instant feedback from an editor. I felt affirmed in my calling, and honored for the internal work I've done with Jesus this year. It was like Jesus was saying to me, "I see you, Kel."
When I came home, I had the opportunity to preach at my church. I had so much fun with it and the message was well received. Four of our neighbors came too! But the thing that surprised me the most was how loved I felt by Mike afterwards. He told me probably a hundred times how proud of me he was. (I shouldn't be surprised -- I have the most affirming partner).
I'm learning to savor these surprises of love when they come to me. I can easily feel the love for a moment and then spiral right back into my anxious thoughts. I wonder when tragedy will hit again or how I can return the love to my neighbors and friends who are feeling the effects of living in a country that's telling them they don't belong here.
Jesus is teaching me to linger a while longer in that feeling of love. To recognize what it feels like in my body when those surprises come. He's teaching me to take the love a step further -- to feel the love from my family and neighbors and to ask Jesus how he feels about me too. When my husband tells me he is over the moon about me, Jesus is there too, giving me a glimpse of his heart. When I feel alive in my calling, Jesus is there too, telling me he sees me. When my neighbors show me generous intentionality, Jesus is there too, telling me he is intentional with me.
And it is from this place of centered- love in Jesus that I want to live.
*The Innocence Mission. "When Mac Was Swimming." Befriended. 2003.