Pregnant after Loss: Hiking up the Mountain of the Unknown
Mike and I are expecting a baby girl in August! Navigating the first holiday season without Julia, alongside the anticipation of a new baby, through nausea and hormone changes and all the challenges that come with pregnancy has been...complex to say the least. In my previous blog, I wrote about Jesus teaching me how to live. He has been shepherding us through the complexity. Here are just a couple examples of how he's been doing that:
Jesus has been helping me navigate my thought life. I hold an image in my head of a mountain -- I call it the "mountain of the unknown." As I walked up that mountain through the process of getting pregnant and all its obstacles, I imagined little "parts" of myself going with me. There was the anxiety monster, and pain, but also hope and curiosity. At times those inner parts were especially overwhelmed: How will we do this? Jesus reminded me, "With your mountain of friends, Kel."* I've reached out to my friends and family and they have been coming over frequently, helping me through the physical and emotional roller coasters. Mike's been actively choosing to serve me while working so hard and navigating his own grief. I'm so glad I don't have to scale this mountain alone.
Jesus gave me another powerful moment in a counseling session. The counselor invited me to envision my baby in my womb. I told him, "she has big ears." He asked, "Can you sing to her?" My brain scrambled as it tried to find a song. I broke down in tears saying, "I can't sing to her. All the songs I know were songs I sang to Julia. I can't do this." The counselor asked me, "What does Julia think about that?" I envisioned Julia. Or perhaps Jesus allowed me to see through that hole in the fence between heaven and earth for a moment. Julia started talking to the baby, "See baby, this is our mommy. She sings! And dances! You'll love her. And, baby, you can have my room! Let me show you all the books!" Julia was being a big sister from heaven. Something in me released in that moment. I could love again.
Right before we got pregnant, I told God, "God, you broke a lot of my trust when you took Julia. Giving us this baby would certainly help to build that trust back." The next day when we got the positive pregnancy test, I said, "God, thank you. But also...I'm not ready to "arrive" in trusting you. I guess I'm not done being mad at you. I'm not done with grief." God wasn't fazed at all. "Of course, Kel. Of course you're not done with grief. I'm going to help you through each day. And you can take as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere."
We're so thankful for this baby. Thanks to so many of you who've been praying for us. I'm also incredibly thankful that Jesus stays close, through every complex emotion.
*A Mountain of Friends by Kerstin Schoene is one of the last books Julia and I brought home from the library. Pastor Emily Tallacksen read it at Julia's memorial service. It's a book about a penguin who can't fly so her friends pile themselves on top of each other in order to get the penguin in the sky.