Practice, Practice, Practice
One of Julia's favorite books was Tiny T Rex and the Impossible Hug, by Jonathan Stutzman. It's about a dinosaur whose arms are so tiny he can't hug his friend who is having a bad day. He concludes that he just needs to practice, practice, practice his hugs on everything and then he can give a good hug.
People have been telling me they've been amazed at how much I am hearing from Jesus in all this grief. My dad used to tell me that listening to Jesus took practice and that if you only heard him once in your whole life, it would be worth it. My mom also modeled for me really well how to listen to Jesus in immense grief.
I've been thinking about how grateful I am that Mike and I and our community have been practicing hearing from Jesus, long before any crisis occurred. I think we're feeling the effects of many every-day attempts of hearing from Jesus and obeying.
Nothing surprises me by the voice of Jesus right now. The things he's been working on in me for a long time are the same things he's working on in me right now. Things like learning how to not spiral into dark scenarios about the future. Living in the present. Listening to my body. Inviting my community into my pain. Not blaming myself. Not being afraid. It's all the same stuff...just in a much more intense context.
When we got the news I wasn't pregnant yesterday (after six months of leading up to it with lots of meds, money, heartache), the only thing I could see was a bleak, empty, childless future. But then I did what I knew how to do. I went for a swim and I talked to Jesus. Jesus told me what he often does: Kel, don't worry about the future. There is hope there. Right now, your most important purpose is to let your body heal. It's been through hell and back. Love it. Care for it. Life is not over. It may just feel on pause.
And I knew the words were from Jesus. Partly because the voice was so familiar. And also because three more people in my community had the same exact word from Jesus.
I'm so thankful for the practice. This would be so much harder without it. I feel resolved to keep practicing, now and my whole life long. It's worth it.