More, more, more

"More, more, more" she would say as she tapped her fingers together, signing the words to us to make sure we really knew what she was saying. One time she saw me eating trail mix and she wanted "mommy's food" so I handed her a cashew. She took one bite and then said "other nut," pointing to the M&Ms. I said, "you can have two." Later that day she came to me with a mischievous grin on her face, tapped her fingers together and said "two? two?" My daughter knew what was good.

Mike and I sat with a therapist today who was helping us through the trauma of losing our Julia so suddenly. We went through each of the most distressing moments of her last hours with us. I was so scared to re-live them. But as I invited Jesus into those spaces of horror he poured out images of his presence. He held me when I felt trapped and scared. He told me it was okay when my brain wanted to make sense of something senseless and when I couldn't find answers. He showed me the angels all around us in the ambulance. By the end of the time, I saw an image of myself in a movie theater, watching a horror film all alone. Jesus came and sat next to me and said with the sincerest compassion, "I'm so sorry you had to see that." Then he asked me if I was ready to leave. He turned off the film, took my hand and walked with me to go get some ice-cream.

More, more, more, I say to Jesus now. Don't stop Jesus. Keep it coming.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God? - Psalm 42:1-2