Look Life in the Face

"You, who made me stare trouble in the face,
Turn me around;
Now let me look life in the face." - Psalm 71:20 (MSG)

I went to a doctor appointment yesterday to get help with some pain I've been having. When I arrived to the medical building, I suddenly realized that it was located in the same place as the ER where I took Julia the day she died. My body had an instant trauma response. No, no, I do not want to be here. Don't make me be here again! I was just about to turn around and go home when my body had another equally strong reaction: I came here to get help and I don't want to leave without it. I told the doctor on the phone what happened and he re-routed me to another parking structure so that I did not have to walk through the ER, and I was able to still have my appointment.

I've become familiar with a few parts of myself in this season of grief. One part holds space for grief and trauma. Another part holds space for hope and resilience. Both parts were active in that moment when I was near the ER yesterday. Both equally important.

But right now I want to honor that part of me that is resilient. I don't give it enough credit. Sometimes I judge it, saying it is making me callus or cold. It is the part of me that can keep my doctor appointments even when it means facing my most traumatic memories. It is the part of me that decides to wake up each morning and keep living.

It would have been totally fine to turn around and go home yesterday. That would have been healthy too. But today, I am thankful for the part of me that decided to find another way inside. I'm grateful for the part of me that looks life in the face and says...we can do this.