Lavish
"You know me," Jesus exasperatedly cries out to his family and community who repeatedly don't understand that he is God, in John 7:28. "You know me," I hear Jesus say to me tonight.
Who do I know Jesus to be? Lavish. He is God who cannot feed people just enough...he has to make sure there are left overs. Jesus has repeatedly told me that this is who he is. I was praying the other day and Jesus looked at me like a mom with compassion for her kid who'd been through major surgery and said, "have whatever you want." Two minutes later a friend, who had no context of my prayer, said "Kelly, I see God giving you a locket and telling you to put whatever you want in it." A few days later I read John 6:11 where Jesus gave people miraculous food, "as much as they wanted."
This is who God is. He is the one "who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20).
How can I say this though...right now, when my daughter just died? When I've been at the fertility clinic for a year when they told me it would take one month? When bad news after bad news keeps coming to me?
Because God can't stop being who he is. I tell people that I feel like I've got a firehose of discipleship coming at me in this season of grief. I don't just hear God give me a word once in a while. It's every few hours. Gifts have arrived on my doorstep for months now, always at the right time. I get text messages and visits from friends, pastors, family, all telling me how much I am loved. Every night, Mike and I have deep and intimate talks (and often snotty cries) about our love for each other, for God, and for Julia. I get to study the Bible every day because someone paid for me to take a seminary class and I wake up each morning craving to read more. I have counselors, staff workers, pastors, and godly friends surrounding me with wisdom, compassion, and perspective. God is close to the brokenhearted. He has been lavish with me.
So when I hit a wall of weariness and discouragement tonight, Jesus whispered, "you know me, Kelly." He's lavish towards me in the deepest pit. He will surely be lavish towards me in the future. And though, like Jesus's family, I doubt constantly, my most honest self is confident this is true.