Joy and Trouble, In the Same Breath

A devotional on Psalm 90 (part 4)

Psalm 90:13-15

“Every morning fill us up
with your loving kindness.
Let us sing with gladness
all of our days.
Come back to us, Lord!
How long will you wait?
Give us as much joy
as the trouble we’ve seen.”

(translated by Carey Wallace in Psalms of Wonder: Poems from the Book of Psalms)

The Psalmist inhales God’s lovingkindness while exhaling deep lament. The Psalmist does not erase lament with joy, but still boldly requests that God give as much joy as what’s been taken. I lost a daughter, Julia, at nineteen-months and have a six-month-old now, Lucy. Lucy does not and will never replace Julia. The wound is still so fresh and deep and perhaps even more painful as time goes on away from her. And also, Lucy brings me the purest joy. Some days, holding the complexity of emotion feels overwhelming. But then I keep returning to the prayer that Jesus would fill us up with lovingkindness, every morning. That is the only way forward.

Here’s a poem to capture this dynamic:

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Joy and trouble
in the same breath.

In the same breath, I say, your smile is huge!
And, I miss your sister’s serious glares.

In the same breath, I say, look how you’re growing!
And, she never got bigger than this.

In the same breath, I say, this toy is so fun!
And, this was her toy. Ouch.

In the same breath, I say, let’s read this book!
And, she’s supposed to read that line.

In the same breath, I say, let’s play the ukulele!
And, not that song though.

In the same breath, I say, I love this life!
And, when will it suddenly end, again?

Joy and trouble
in the same breath.

Every morning.
Love me Jesus.
Every morning.
In the same breath.

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For Your Reflection:
1. How have you experienced lovingkindness recently? Dwell in that memory for a moment and think about how that feels to you to be loved.
2. What are you lamenting today? What is troubling?
3. Take a few deep breaths. Inhale God’s lovingkindness. Exhale your lament.