It's not your fault

Last week I was making pancakes with Julia. Our kitchen is tiny so there wasn't much room for a plate of pancakes next to a pancake grill. The plate hung off the edge of the counter a little bit. Julia kicked her foot and I reacted saying "no, no, no!" as the whole plate of pancakes tumbled to the floor. I immediately realized my reaction was too loud but it was too late. Julia was in tears.

I squeezed her so tight and said, "oh, my baby, this is not your fault. Mommy's fault. Mommy's fault. Not Julia's." She looked me in the eyes, comprehending what I was telling her. She took a deep breath and said "Mommy's. Fault."

Jesus brought me back to this moment yesterday. He said, "Kelly, I have this same compassion towards you. All of this...Julia's passing, the IVF fail...none of it is your fault. And if you need someone to blame, blame me. I am the one with the power here. Not you. Jesus's fault. Not Kelly's."

Theologically I know there's more to it than that. Evil and the devil have a lot to do with it. But oh how gracious of Jesus to let me put it on him. To take the blame finger off of myself.

I still struggle at least once a day with a dark moment of wondering why I couldn't save and protect my daughter. Trying my best to cling to what Jesus says instead.