Imagine Away

I'm hesitant to write anything about heaven because talking about heaven in the midst of fresh grief can sometimes feel cheesy and tone deaf. I fear being accused of making grief too tidy. Alternatively, because heaven is where my Julia is right now, it can feel too important and precious to let anyone into that vulnerable space.

Thinking about heaven requires imagination, and imagining is not something that adults are skilled in doing. One of our new friends who also lost a child a few years ago was wondering if it was okay to imagine what his son was doing in heaven. He felt like God's response back to him was, "I don't care if you're wrong...imagine away!" I love that. Jesus invites us to be imaginative like little kids.

I've had a couple powerful moments as I've imagined heaven recently.

Moment #1: In our time on Mt. Rainier, I found a creek that reminded me of the creek we used to go to every summer in Portland growing up. The creek was next to a field of grass and wild flowers, tucked in between beautiful mountains. I walked toward a bend in the creek, singing "Jesus loves us." At that bend, I sensed the presence of Jesus, Julia, my dad, and my Grandpa. It felt so real, like we were all there playing together.

When we left home from our trip I was sad because I didn't take a single picture of that spot at the creek to remember that moment. I was at the creek on Friday. Saturday morning, a friend, who I haven't talked to in over a decade, saw an image in her head and felt like God was telling her to paint the image and mail it to me. A few days ago I received that painting and realized it was a painting of the exact spot at the creek where I sensed Jesus and my family with me. It was like Jesus was saying to me, "Kelly, that was real. And here's your picture to remember it."

Moment #2: This morning I was in my car, singing a song that I used to sing to Julia. I imagined her listening to it from heaven. Then I let my imagination go further. I asked Julia what new songs she was learning. She told me she was learning a song in Swahili from her new friend. I asked her if she could teach it to me. Then this story gets wild. I opened my mouth and out came this song. I think it was in Swahili, or at least it was a language and a tune that I was not familiar with. It was sweet and like a lullaby. Julia told me she was learning to play a drum too. Later I looked up some of the words that came out of my mouth through a translator. All I could make out was, "run away...sleep...today...that one." I could be very wrong about that, but, it sounds like the way Julia would sing it.

Am I making this all up? Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Jesus says to be like a kid and I think imagining is what a kid would do. So I'll keep doing it.

But also...I can't make this stuff up.