Facing My Idols

There are two lies I believe:
1) If I just know enough, I can protect myself from all the threats of the world.
2) My purpose is to meet my goals, make progress, and finish things.

Death shatters these lies so quickly.

Knowledge didn't save my baby. Not my knowing, not the doctors knowing. Nobody knew. It is aggravating that I didn't know. That nobody knew. That we still don't know.

We were dreaming for a family of four. Two kids. A seminary degree. That was the five year plan. I agonized about silly things this month. Would we have another December baby? Could I make it to teach a staff conference? Those worries seem so...well, they don't matter.

I took a systematic theology course recently and we were discussing the concept of time. Perhaps time is not linear as much as it is circular. Jesus folds the past and the future into the present through the incarnation.

Something in me longs for this type of freedom. To not have to live my life moving from point A to point B but dwelling with Jesus in the now. Dwelling with Jesus in the memories of my sweet Julia, knowing there is a future for us yet. Knowing he holds all of that in this moment now.

I don't feel down on myself for having idols. We all do. I just long for a more true reality. Knowledge can't save me. Progress won't save me. Root these lies out of me for good, Jesus.