Diagnosis

It's redemptive for me that Julia got a diagnosis. I was shocked that she received one because, more often than not, pain in my life has been mysterious and undiagnosable. My counselor asked me how many times I had an ailment that could not be diagnosed. I counted twelve mysterious chronic pains just off the top of my head (burning mouth, swollen toes, skin rashes, infertility, etc) It was relieving when the word "fibromyalgia" was given to me but it was also not entirely helpful because it is a diagnosis of mysterious widespread pain.

Part of the problem with mystery is not having anything to blame. Often I assume responsibility simply because I have no other explanation. It must be something I'm doing wrong, something I ate, something I touched, something within me.

When Julia got her diagnosis, my mother heart leapt with relief. The obvious relief is that her death was not our fault. But there was a deeper relief. Some protective mother instinct in me didn't want Julia to have to experience the agony of a lack of diagnosis. I want to listen to this mama voice more. Perhaps if I listened to it, my auto response to mysterious pain would not be self-blame, but compassion.

So much of cancer language is about fighting and battling. Julia's fight was incredibly short. It didn't seem like a fight really at all. With chronic pain, I have learned that it is my own pain signals that are a bit off. Rather than fighting my body, It has been beneficial for me to dance with it, listen to it, appreciate it...and sometimes be firm with it. I've been wondering how to think about Julia's leukemia. Cancer is brutal and not God's original design. But what do I make of the fact that it was her own cells that went rogue? How do I hate that she died but also love her for all of who she is, rogue cells and all? Maybe acceptance and fight can live together.

As I honor Julia and her story, I also want to show solidarity with others who have been impacted by leukemia and childhood cancer. September is leukemia awareness month. The symbol for it is an orange ribbon. I'll be wearing different orange accessories this month. Feel free to join!