Better than Pain Relief

Two weeks before my wedding day, I woke up with the nerves in my mouth all firing at once. Doctors called it burning mouth syndrome, related to fibromyalgia, and told me there was nothing I could do for it. It was the worst pain of my life (even compared to childbirth). A year and a half later, the pain went away after extracting a decayed wisdom tooth.

I asked why? multiple times a day during that year and a half. I especially wondered why? when I was on my honeymoon, with the love of my life on a beautiful island, thinking only about pain. There was one moment that I will never forget though. Mike had planned an adventurous day for us on our honeymoon. I'm pretty sure it involved waterfalls, caves and hiking. Twenty minutes into our drive, Mike took one look at the pain in my face and, without consulting me, turned the car around and went right back to the hotel, whispering "I think we've had enough adventure for today." I never felt so loved. The pain was awful and unfair. But I got to experience the empathy and self-sacrifice of the man I just married in profound ways -- something far more valuable than a "perfect" honeymoon.

I had a similar moment this week. I've been back at the fertility clinic for the last five months and the medications they gave me have caused me to break out in hives all over my legs. For two weeks now, the rashes have been spreading and I wake up about every hour and a half at night to change ice packs. It's depressing. The other night I was sitting by Julia's tub as she took a bath. (Julia is my 19-month-old daughter who has barely learned to string words together.) My legs were burning and my face was downcast. Suddenly Julia stopped her playing, looked me in the eyes, lifted her hands to her chin, and said in the most sincere and compassionate voice, "Are you okay?" My heart melted. Julia has also been fascinated by my Aloe Vera gel. When she sees me hurting, she says "Mommy's soap time!" And she tells me to sit on the couch and helps me put the gel on my legs. I love that I am getting to know this side of my daughter. I love that she's learning empathy and expressing compassion.

I hate being in pain. My prayer to God the other night as I iced my legs was, You say you're merciful. This isn't mercy. That was all I could say. And I think God was just fine with, perhaps even proud of, my candor. I want this pain to stop. I believe he wants that for me too, because he cares for me.

There is, though, something better than pain relief. The apostle Peter says that our "faith is more valuable than gold, which will be destroyed even though it is itself tested by fire." Because our liberation comes from the imperishable love of Jesus, we can "love each other deeply and earnestly" (1 Peter 1).

The repetitive mantra in my head is often, this pain will last forever. It won't. These moments of love from Mike and Julia and from people in my community point me to what's eternal. I won't stop giving Jesus (and my doctors) an earful about how much I hate this rash. But I think if I'm really honest with myself, I want this life of love even more than I want to be rid of pain. That is liberating.