3 Confessions
We went to church today. I knew we would be surrounded by love and genuine compassion. I also knew it would be hard. I took the time to get really honest. Here is what I confessed to those sitting next to me and to God. It's not a confession of guilt or sin necessarily, just a confession of my humanity:
I believe God is sovereign but I'm having trouble praying for my desires. I prayed he'd heal Julia. He didn't. I prayed for a second child. He didn't give it. I prayed he'd take my rashes away. Six weeks later, they're still here. I even prayed yesterday that I wouldn't get a mosquito bite until the rashes cleared up. And that very night a mosquito bite showed up on my leg. I feel like I'm being punched while I'm already in the pit trying to survive. I'm not at the point that I don't trust Jesus. We have too long of a history for that. And It would be okay if I didn't trust him. But I think my prayer muscles are fatigued. Something in me says, "what's the point?"
Living with a paradigm of grace feels really challenging. The stakes feel too high. I don't know how to get past the feeling that if one bad thing happens then it will result in death. So many times as a mom I told myself that it's okay if I don't get it right the first time because I am just learning. But this was my first time taking care of a toddler with a stomachache and she died. I don't know how to get past that.
It's hard for me to sing, "God's goodness is running after me." I did sing it. Because I know it's true. But it's still painful to sing. Nothing about this feels good. Except that Jesus is okay with my honesty. That feels good. It felt good to exhale my honest thoughts. I think that is prayer too. Maybe the best kind of prayer.
"I believe; help my unbelief!" - Mark 9:24